*Just a reminder, most of my works will from now on be uploaded in scraps.*

As soon as she leaves, the volcano will erupt. This week, a lot of things will happen.

I hope I get the job. A job.

I'm tired. But I noticed that I no longer have any heart palpitations, so yey.

I wish I can say things plainly.

Ugh, and off I go again. Sorry, disappearing for a month or two. But it's not like I'm active, eh?

...I forgot people's names.

Now, this might be a normal occurrence to others; or perhaps, unusual, but not something to panic about. I mean, most older watchers should know by now how much I panic every time I get selected amnesia, which had happened at least twice last year. Or maybe it's just temporary forgetfulness. Everyone has experienced a memory block where, try as hard as you might, you can't remember the title of the movie from where the song you heard while passing by a coffee shop came from; or perhaps the names of the friends you made for one memorable day while playing in the monkey bars at McDonalds; or the word that fits the sentence you were uttering half-way, then stopped upon realizing that the exact word is... not there.

But sooner or later or even months after the memory lapse, you remember ("Felicia Marie!" "Abstemious!") and by then, the word or name is no longer needed. You either feel elation for finally grasping the elusive word, or exasperation for being bugged by such trifles. But you remembered. At last.

However, this is different. Neither selective (I am not stressed, I don't think about them too much, there was no reason to forget) nor temporary ("Kayla. That was the name of that other girl back in the monkey bars fourteen years ago") but instead, just... gone.

Lemme explain.

I can recall things randomly. Bits and pieces of experiences long past-- a "palimpsest of a memory", as I used to call it three years ago. I don't think about them but when they resurface, I can recall the details that I collected from long ago.

Until now.

I had a classmate whose last name is Black. I used to know her full name. That might not be much of a feat for a lot of people, but I'm horrible at names and faces. [Digression: It takes me more than a semester before finally recognizing your face as someone I should be familiar with, another sem to associate your name with yourself, and yet another to be able to retain these info... for a year (I memorize usernames a lot easier though, glee).] I was confident that I will forever recollect her name at will. And yet, just now, I could not. Try as I might, all I get was "Apple Black" which... is not it. She was one of the five people I could remember with their full names. Not really a laudable feat, but still something that helped me keep a little bit more confidence in myself (wellnotreally-- you just never realize how recalling facts can help one's confidence until you start forgetting).

Anyway, at the moment when I was trying to remember her name, something was different. There was no nagging sensation as if the answer was at the tip of my tongue. No "I'll get it eventually!" resolution. Not even a tingling where gears are being set in motion to find the name in the recesses of my mind. Nothing. The answer was absolute.

"I don't know."

At all.

[Digression p2: I couldn't sleep. Eerie mechanical humming from overhead in the sky that lasted for six minutes. A car in the street below sped by, then skidded. Heart beat irregular (Hypochondria, who -isn't- affected by it?) and wrists feeling like they're hollowed out and held together by strings. And I wasn't able to say good day to Meri. Hence why I'm free flow writing so early in the morning]

And again, it happened. "I had a friend named JM-- wait, I did? Waitwait! Why did I question that!?" His name completely slipped my mind. Bad to doubt myself about him; I should have remembered, since everything about that day I can still recall-- except him.

January 14. Last time I was with acquaintances and friends before leaving for Canada. After school. We went to the movies (I didn't want to since tickets cost P40 and I only had P50 with me-- the remaining money would be my bus fare so I hoped they wouldn't want to eat out afterwards) and watched an Asian (Korean???) horror movie. Psycho doctor with memories of a suicidal girlfriend. It was to celebrate his birthday (...right?) and I forgot until three thought processes later. And then I doubted that I even knew someone called JM. Again, not really something to be distressed about (orwriteajournalyesyes) but . . . it just unnerves me of how much details I can no longer keep. Scary scary scary, eh?

Oh dear, look at the time. 6:30 am, have to go. Breakfast to be served.

G'day, G'night. I'll update the shoutboard thingie regarding the latest deviation later. PS Might dump more old art soon. Poor scraps category.

.
Ever wondered what happens to dreams that were never dreamt?



They turn into butterflies that forever fly over the Mediterranean Sea. Sometimes, they whisper to each other (if they were lucky enough to meet, that is. But it's so rare to find others, for they die so quickly from exhaustion) and share their stories; about the people who did not sleep when they were supposed to.
_{And never gave them the chance to become real dreams.}

I...







wait, what was I writing about again?

I found something valuable but lost tons of files. It's sad when your greatest achievement for the week is remembering parts of your dreams.

Art-wise, I think it's best to de-watch me since I don't think any of my sketches would end up in my gallery. Too many limits now.

Now for discussion's sake:

Does everybody have fears? Not exactly phobias, but just... getting scared because of something. Or things that make you feel uncomfortable, fidgety, worried.

"I'm not afraid of anything" <-- why? Or rather, -how- can you not be frightened? Cynicism? Experience? 'Maturity'?

"I'm scared of..." <-- again, why? Do people know whether their fears are illogical or not?

I'll tell mine some other time. This was just to cover up the fact that I forgot what I originally wanted to write about.

This is more like a blog than an actual journal; sorry for the waste of time.

and off to the streets I go. _{Job search job search job search}

This account loves collecting dust.

Old drawings will show up later on.

I need a new journal.

Things happened, but nothing worth saying here. Wow, I'm annoying.

...how's everyone?